Living the Lie

Is what I have felt I'm doing all week. I am, to be honest, having a tough time coping with a lack of control over this whole process, my upcoming big 3-0, and dumb*sses who have no sense of boundaries.

Obviously, with adoption, there is a lack of control. We had to go through about 10 social workers before finding one who was willing to even speak to our family, due to my husband's having been married previously. Which is BS. Then the SW takes the word of a million other people, all of whom may or may not have an agenda against adoption and/or your being parents, as Gospel. Ultimately, it was Doctor #2's unwillingness to work with Doctor #1 that has held up the process, to a degree more than money has.

But I was surprised to discover this week, REs also have the ability - and it seems in some cases the drive - to "play God". My H and I interviewed one this week, and were not impressed. When the RE mentioned that their goal was a healthy pregancy with one baby, I asked about twins, mentioning that there are quite a few sets of on both sides of my family. I'm not some Pollyanna in rose-colored glasses; I know that a "twin" pregnancy would have to be watched more carefully.

The RE we interviewed, however, launched into a long tirade about multiples being a selfish choice, Octomom's RE being irresponsible, and multiple births being life threatening to mother and babies. Apparently, they will cancel your cycle if they feel you've produced too many follicles unless you agree that "selective reduction" (and I hate that term; just call it "babykilling" and spare me the pretentious euphemisms). We're kind of torn because they are the best in the area, with the most flexible schedule. I look at the pictures of the recently born octuplets and feel so sad - they look so small and emaciated I don't know how they'll ever grow up healthy, and that probably is due to sharing a womb with 7 other siblings. However, babykilling a twin is insane. Since babykilling is ultimately the mother's choice, we may just give the RE lip service beforehand, get the IUI, then move forward with our twin pregnancy and get another OB-GYN stat. Should we be lucky enough, that is.

I hit the big 3-0 in a few weeks and just feel miserable about it. I really feel like I should have either found the right career or been a mother by now, if not both. Instead, I have chosen to forgo graduate school or a career change into something that's more suited to my interests, strengths, and personality, because of wanting to stay in my current career to earn the $$$ that adoption/fertility treatmments are going to cost. It's not that I dislike my current job, it's just that I'm never going to LOVE this kind of work, and that kind of sucks. I feel like myself, my personal relationships, and my coworkers get shortchanged because of this. Yet another piece of my happiness being chipped away by what a b*tch Mother Nature has been.

Last but not least, are the dumb*sses with no boundaries. Yes, I have stopped drinking coffee and alcohol. Yes, I have had a few doctor's appointments and personal days recently. NO, it is NOT your place to comment loudly on both (on one occasion within earshot of my boss), while smirking, then email me links to articles about "Adoption is International Baby Stealing", Octomom, or religious propaganda against IVF and/or launch into stories about what a pain it is to take care of children.

Number one, this is my and my husband's decision. Nobody else gets any say, although I may ask my friends or loved ones for advice or to be my ear when I vent. However, if I haven't told you outright what's going on, that means I don't want you to know so STFU. Number two, it is my right to use my time, as well as my financial and emotional resources as I see fit. But bottom line? If I were already pregnant, nobody would be acting like this. I hate being made to feel like people think I'm doing something wrong in wanting to be a mom. I'm not even on any fertility drugs yet, and I feel short tempered and moody.

I think I've just come to the conclusion that whether you're trying to become a mom through adoption, or through fertility treatments, or both, you are always going to run up against idiots who buy into the notion that "If you were supposed to be a parent, you'd already have a baby" and then decide to hold you to a much higher standard than the beer-swilling, trailer-park-dwelling welfare momma who gets knocked up with her fourth before age 25 on the first try. And unfortunately, some of these idiots are in the position of power to say yes or no to your moving forward.

Yet, tomorrow morning, I've got to get up, make the LONG trek to work, and see how well I can delude others into thinking I'm just thrilled with my "childfree" life.