Failure

After many, many tearful hours of discussion and argument, the H and I have decided to put the adoption on hold, thus delaying our children coming home. It was a very hard decision, and I'm still trying to make peace with it. Nobody's giving out adoption loans right now, we'd be idiots to tap into our 401ks at this point, and we don't have the 10K in cash sitting around that we needed to jump through the next hoop. I am sitting here with my $50 Fit Flops, Coach Bag, and purebred kitten on the desk next to me, kicking myself in the butt for not having made different choices and saved much more $$ over the years. (OK, the kittens, were worth every cent. It was that breed or nothing thanks the H's allergies. But really, did I need MAC makeup before I was old enough to buy wine with my real driver's license?!)

I am going to be 30 in May, and likely not be a mom by then, which for me is a very bitter pill to swallow. And here I am feeling sorry for myself, when the fact is that our choice means two more little kids sitting alone in an orphanage that much longer, mostly due to our selfishness and somehat fear.

We are both going back and forth (I'm back when he's forth and vice versa usually) about whether or not we are done with the reproductive endochrinologist or not. To say I have mixed feelings about this is the understatement of the century. It sounds childish, but I only want to move forward with the next level of treatment if it works (as in, yields a pregnancy that I carry to term) the first or second time. Male Factor is expensive as crap to treat, so once we go past 5 or 6 cycles, that money would have paid for an adoption.

I ended up having to fire my doctor, due to his being such an a-hole about signing off on my medical form. Still have to find a new one, and don't honestly have the mental energy to do that right now.

We are also arguing, again endlessly, on a country. H, of course, wants to adopt from the most expensive country on the planet, and I prefer a different one, where the adoption fees are about 1/3 the price. This is too long for a blog post. We are now investigating a "compromise" country, which unfortunately would mean we'd have to change adoption agencies. Boo!

So as of right now, there's still a light at the end, it's just that the tunnel's longer than we thought.

I am off to drown my sorrows in Ugly Betty reruns.

P.S. F*U to my ninth-grade sex ed teacher, who made it sound like getting pregnant was as easy as farting. And F*U to that "psychic" last year who told me I'd be a mom by 2010.